Many years ago, I wrote a rough outline and partial story called Four. Most of the nineteen pages were just notes, with only a few actual scenes written out. I loved the general premise, but I never fully explored it.

Then life happened.

Between earning my Bachelor’s degree, finishing my Master’s, and having a baby, I didn’t write anything new for about four years. In 2020, I finally felt ready to dive back into writing — and that’s when I wrote the first draft of The Four between July and mid-August.

I took the core ideas from the original version of Four and completely reworked them into the new story. One of the biggest changes was making my main character, Nicki, mute. I wanted to increase the tension and frustration of not being able to openly communicate with Gil.

As a librarian, I had worked with a deaf volunteer who used sign language. I learned some signs from her, and she even gave me my own name sign. In the book, I mention that the people at Nicki’s work know job-related signs — which came directly from my real-life experience, since our staff learned library-specific signs too.

While writing The Four, I downloaded several sign language apps, including a sign dictionary, and used them often. The moments in the book where hands clap or smack loudly are based on real ASL signs. I know American Sign Language isn’t universal and that different countries use different sign languages, but for the sake of story flow, I chose to use ASL in the world of Kama.

I also researched how ASL is typically written in fiction and found there were many approaches. I decided to use italics and quotation marks for signed dialogue — especially since the characters’ prayers are written in italics as thoughts, and I wanted a clear way to distinguish between the two.

Before I returned to writing, I went through something incredibly difficult.
I had my daughter in January 2019 and breastfed, which made my hormones pretty unpredictable for over a year. I got my first period back in November 2019, skipped December, and had another in mid-January 2020. I was on the mini pill at the time.

On January 29, 2020, I had horrible cramps — the kind where you just know something isn’t right. I tried to go to work but had to turn around and call out sick. I was in intense pain all day, taking ibuprofen and using a heating pad nonstop. A day or two later, I started bleeding again and assumed my body was just regulating.

I emailed my doctor a couple days later, and a nurse called me the following Monday. I was feeling better by then, but after several more days of heavy bleeding, I called again on February 7. The nurse suggested I get bloodwork done to check if I’d been pregnant.

I left work early to get the test, already convinced I was having a miscarriage.
When the results came back, I googled the numbers — and they were pregnancy levels.

Another nurse called and told me to go to the ER for an ultrasound. My mom took me, and I told my husband to go home after work with our baby because I was sure it was just a miscarriage.

At the hospital, I had two ultrasounds. Before reviewing them, the doctor explained it could be one of three things: a miscarriage, a false period (meaning I was still pregnant), or implantation bleeding.

I was still sure I wasn’t pregnant anymore — especially after the pain I’d felt.
Then the doctor came back and said there was a fourth option: an ectopic pregnancy.

The baby had implanted in my left fallopian tube, which had ruptured. I had been internally bleeding for nine days and needed emergency surgery immediately. My husband and mom waited while I was rushed into surgery. There was blood in my abdomen, and they had to remove my baby as well.

I stayed home for a week afterward and was on light duty at work the following week — including not being able to lift more than ten pounds, which meant I couldn’t even pick up my one-year-old daughter.

We named our baby Jamie, since we never knew if it was a boy or a girl.

Later, I learned something incredible: my blood levels had stayed relatively normal because the baby had actually blocked the rupture in my tube for a time. In a very real way, Jamie saved my life. People can bleed out in minutes in extreme cases — and I had been bleeding internally for nine days.

I used this experience as a major plot point in The Four to raise awareness about ectopic pregnancy, the importance of seeking medical care when something feels wrong, and to honor the child we lost. I also dedicated the book to Jamie.

2020 was the year of the COVID-19 pandemic — but it was also the year my passion for writing was revived.

By the end of the year, I wrote 138,720 words.